Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
