you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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