More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
