I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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