at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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