Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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