If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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