Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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