moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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