I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
