Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
are you so shy because you have an std?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
