Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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