Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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