Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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