My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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