Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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