I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
