there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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