i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
