I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
