JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Operation Purity has been aborted
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
