In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
