I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
