She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
