I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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