do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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