the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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