I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
