Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Randomize
