He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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