You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
