508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
