I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
