Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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