Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
