just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
