I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
FUCK WHALES
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
