God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
