Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
