Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
