Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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