i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
