mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
