I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
