i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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