You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
