It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
the gays at disneyland are vicious
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
