piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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