So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
