please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
