I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
