I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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