I CAN MOONWALK!
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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